I, Kandis Davis, want to get married and have kids.
It has taken longer than many of you would believe, for me to be able to make that statement without going into a rant of disclaimers about how content and “not ready now” I am.
I read an UberFact on Twitter today that read, “66% of surveyed single men and women say the reason for them being single is they have yet to find their soul mate.”
I just read the beginning of that last sentence again and judged myself for quoting UberFacts as a credible source…listen, that’s not the point. Stay with me, we’re going somewhere great, I promise.
I’m pretty much convinced that a large number of single people are unmarried because they’re looking for/desiring the wrong things.
Most people have this idea of how they’ll meet their mate and fall in love instantly, or that they’ll know without a doubt a certain person is to be their spouse not soon after meeting them, then they’d develop these deep feelings for the person that eventually lead them to marriage because they simply can’t imagine a day without each other.
I had this same idea at one point too. I thought I’d need to have this deep attraction towards someone and I’d need to be at a place where I didn’t want to do anything without this person before I knew they were the one I wanted to marry.
It was all about attraction, shared values, and shared interests in my original opinion; but something shifted for me…majorly shifted…and I think if people, particularly, unmarried Christians, would begin to shift their perspective on this topic of finding and marrying “The One,” we would see an increase in marriages, a decrease in divorce, and an overall rise in solid family units within the body of Christ.
What have I discovered that caused this major shift?
Well, I’m glad you asked. As I write, I’m sitting on the couch in my friend’s apartment in Washington, D.C. I can literally see our nation’s capitol from the living room window to my right.
Same-sex marriages have been legally recognized in this city for over half a decade now. Washington, D.C. became the first jurisdiction in the United States below the Mason-Dixon Line to allow same-sex couples to marry.
Now this post is not at all intended to be about same-sex marriage, but I find it quite interesting and very significant that I’m writing on this topic from D.C.
Less than one month ago, 28 days to be exact, thousands were protesting at the Capitol as the U.S. Supreme Court prepares to make a decision on same-sex marriage next month.
Sidenote: You can sign this petition to stand for marriage, as sanctioned by God, here: www.defendmarriage.org
Without doubt, this decision will affect our entire nation. The best way to sum up the most important thing I’ve realized during this personal shift, can be found in the words of an Orthodox priest named Hans Jacobse.
“Marriage begins with God, not with the state,” he said.
Indeed. It does, Priest Hans. Indeed, it does.
I believe that just like God has a plan and purpose for every life, He also has a plan and purpose for every marriage.
As Christians, we shouldn’t get married for companionship, sex, or to keep up with society’s expectations of what adults should do.
We should get married with the hope and intent to fulfill the purposes of God, to advance His Kingdom’s agenda, and to accomplish what He designed marriage to accomplish.
And yes, this includes pro-creation, aka making babies (which I expect will be a fun process), but it also includes waaaaay more.
Finding The One
Some friends of mine just put out this book called, The One: An Amazing Love Story Starts with You. You may be familiar with their story, “The Surprise Wedding,” in which Ryan proposed to and married Amanda all in the same day. If you haven’t watched their viral video, I’ve placed it at the end of this post for you to see. It’s quite epic.
On to the point: They wrote this book and honestly, I read it out of obligation. I told them I’d review it but only after I’d actually read it and to my surprise, I came home to a personal, autographed copy of it two days later.
“Guess I’ll put my current book on pause and read this one since they’re serious,” was my honest thought at the onset of picking up this book. Mainly because I really don’t like dating books…at all.
Plus I mean, I watched the video, Ryan and I had a couple convos during their dating stage, we had them on Daystar—like…I know the story—or so I thought.
I read the book in just a few sittings and to my surprise, it not only clearly articulated, in detail, everything I’ve come to understand about marriage lately, but it also challenged and encouraged me beyond what I could’ve ever imagined.
Frankly, I think everyone married, newly married, or desiring to be married, needs to read this book. In fact, I’m about to start giving them away like Oprah.
“You Get “The One!” And You Get “The One!” And…”
Think I’m playing?
One of my favorite things about the book is that at the end of each chapter, there are three practical applications: One Question to Ask Yourself, One thing to Remember, and One Thing to Work On.
In addition to the awesomeness of practical application, two of the points that have recently shifted my view on marriage are covered beautifully and I’d like to wrap this post with those two points (Mostly in Ryan & Amanda’s words cause they articulate it beautifully):
1. Be Intentional with God
“Being intentional with God about your relationship before it even begins is the best thing you can do to lay the foundation for a healthy marriage.
How will you recognize the person God has meant for you if you’re not intentional with Him? Take some time to think about your purpose for dating. Do you want someone you can change your community with, serve God with, or change the world with? Set your intention now, and then run from everyone else until you meet the one!
Who you choose to marry will have the greatest impact on your destiny.”
Basically, God knows us best. God knows our spouse best. And God knows what we all need, best. So get to know God and be with Him as much as possible. From there, He’ll work out everything else.
2. Create Culture
I’ve heard it said that more time is spent on planning a wedding than planning a marriage. So far, I’m thankful to say that the opposite is true for me and I hope such remains the case as I actually get to the point where it’s time to plan a wedding.
Since January 2014 I’ve kept a notebook in Evernote just for “Him & Them,” my future husband and kids. In it, I have everything from questions I want to ask him (once we’re moving towards marriage) to vacation ideas to dinner recipes to couples I’d want us to be friends with and more. I’ve also written down what I want our home to be like. Not the way it will look and be decorated (which I have done a little bit of that on Pinterest), but how we will live in our home, how I hope people will feel when they come over, some of the things I hope others gain when they stop by or interact with me, my husband and my children.
I can 100% say that this was a God-given idea because at the time I started this notebook, I was in the “Lord, send him one day, but not today please,” place. I was sporadically thinking about marriage, but it wasn’t something I felt “ready” for.
When I read about this in Ryan and Amanda’s book, I realized God had me preparing for marriage and I didn’t even realize it! In the book, they ask these questions:
“How do you want people to feel one day when they walk into your home? What are the things you prioritize above all else? What values do you want to instill in your children? What makes you tick?”
I could talk about this and more for hours, but I’m going to wrap this up because you’ve now read like 1400 words (which is very impressive in the 21st century so kudos to you!).
The reason I wanted to share all of this with you is because so many people tend to have selfish, self-serving desires for marriage and I think this is keeping a lot of people from choosing and committing to someone to marry.
If you aren’t looking for the one that God can further establish His purposes in you with, you could possibly be searching from a pretty shallow perspective. From such place, you can disqualify tons of qualified people, simply because their nose is too big or their job isn’t the best or they’re not interested in sports the way you are.
We, my friends, are missing the entire point. As Ryan & Amanda put it:
“An amazing love story starts with you, but you’re not meant to be together just for you. When God brings the best “you” together with the best Mr. or Miss Right, it’s so you can be the picture of His love in the world.”
A Little Fun Surprise
Now! Because I’m so passionate about my generation having a healthy perspective on marriage and because I so firmly believe everyone married or desiring to be married, should read this book, I’m doing my first ever giveaway!
Annnnnd I’ve decided to not just giveaway one or two or four, but I’m giving away 10 copies of The One! 10 copies that I’ve purchased with my own money because I’m that serious about this…and about you…and your marriage that either already is or is to be.
So! All you have to do is comment below, answering either one or both of the following questions:
1. Did this post help or change your perspective on marriage? How?
2. What is one or two of the practical ways you’re going to work on your marriage now?
I’ll randomly select the winners and announce them here on the blog on Wednesday, May 20th, 2015.
Can’t wait to hear from you! Share this with friends using #TheOneBookGiveaway and check out Ryan & Amanda’s story below!